Monday, June 18, 2018

Come back for me

Nothing has been easy, no, no it hasn't. My father was not in the picture my whole life until I went looking for him. My mom left him when I was 6 months old and he never even tried to look for me.

When I was 23 I went looking for him and found him. We had a very good relationship until his passing 9 years after.

Over the years I have connected with family that I personally sourced and sought after. The same goes for long lost friends.

I have no issue finding people and forgiving them for whatever caused them to split. Maybe it is something I did, maybe their life got hard. I know we as humans suffer, we are good and we are bad. When that reconnection occurs I decide if the relationship is worth pursuing based on how genuine they are about why they disappeared or avoided me. Pushing a relationship on someone is not my style. Forgiveness and moving forward is.

However, I also find that no one comes to me. No one comes looking for me.

Am I not a long lost treasure like I treat them to be?

I pursue and search for what was lost and have not been disappointed yet, I will not accept that stupid mantra about if it wonders away from you then let it go, it wasn't meant to be. That is crap.

That mantra kept me from my father for most of my life and from the blessing of the rest of my family I met through him.

Yes, he was wrong in not looking for me, no he probably did not deserve forgiveness. But he asked for it when I found him. The forgiveness was like a blanket and a shield and a comfort for us both.

Going back for someone does not always end up in the best possible scenario but it could.

One day, I hope to be that treasure worth being retrieved.

May no one think that I was a window that was closed or any of those lies.

Do not believe in stupid mantras with no logical grounds of origin.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Move on

Forget about the past and move on they say. Well that sounds easy, I wish it were.

My past, my life, the regrets the sadness.

I was an only child, my mother was mentally ill. She did not have stable income and we had no supportive family.

Handouts from the church she begged for, money, food. I was always so embarrassed. Sometimes she would take me with her so she could be sure to play on the sympathies of the pastor.

Embarrassed, I have been embarrassed most of my life. Because of my inept mother who tried the best she could with what little we had to give me what she never had.

I was sad, so sad most of my life with no other family or anyone who cared for me other than her, and she was crazy. Always in and out of the hospital every year, I had to ask my friends parents to let me stay with them so I did not get sent back to foster care.

You see, kids without any family to care for them end up in "the system" in that system there is most always abuse.

I was abused, and I was embarrassed about it, I did not want to talk about it because nothing could be done. I was forced to eat things I did not normally eat and it made me sick. Sticking the food up my sleeves to go to the bathroom to flush it so I could get some sleep. If I did not finish it I would be woken up in the middle of the night to finish that food or my homework.

Forced to bathe in front of the husband in boiling hot water so hot my skin turned bright red. I told the social work what happened and I was punished by the fosters, they screamed at me and said if I think this was bad then I had no idea how much worse it could get.

But why did it have to be bad at all?

Why cant I move on


Friday, January 12, 2018

She wanted to go to the beach...

My mother has dementia, she is only 63 years old. She was diagnosed with it roughly 5 years ago. I miss my mother. I miss her calling me, I miss our arguments, I miss her being so excited to go anywhere with me even if it was just to get coffee.

I was everything to her, I was her whole world and I did not even realize it.

Now she is slowly leaving me.

It felt like the reality of her disease came on all of a sudden. Out of no where and with no warning.

She wanted to go to the beach, and every year I always said "we will go this summer I promise" and every summer that went thereafter, I said those same words.

After my dad passed away, that following summer, my boyfriend and I took her to the beach. It was a difficult day.

She was afraid of the water, but not afraid of strangers. She walked up to everyone, some people were receptive and others were very bothered. It was exhausting on a hot summer day to chase around my mother who wanted to personally greet every person and she would not listen to me one little bit.

It was then my boyfriend said to me, "there is something seriously wrong with your mother."

I was so exhausted I couldn't even bear the thought of this not being just a temporary thing, like maybe belabored grief from recently losing my dad. However, that is not what it was, it was something so much worse. It was early onset of dementia.

The dementia has progressed to the point that she can't say my name anymore. I never ever thought I would miss her voice so much. It is amazing the guilt I feel for the life I could have lived with her.

A person that raised me and taught me how to take care of myself and wanted nothing more but the simple things in life is not able to enjoy any of it anymore. Not a trip to the store, not a food that she enjoys, NOTHING.

Had I known what LITTLE amount of time I had left with her I assure you things would have been VERY different. I would have done so much more to make her happy and make her feel loved. I regret that I was a selfish woman. We would have done so many fun things, and we definitely would have gone to the beach.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Smoking: A Love Story

Dearest one,

My closest companion, my beloved, you went with me everywhere. You were always by my side, through the happy times you shared my joy and in times of sorrow you were my comfort. I could always count on you to ease my pain, relieve my stress and bring me momentary peace. I could retreat into the quiet and be with you whenever I wanted, nothing could keep us apart. Me without you was unheard of, me without you made life harder. I would search for you when you were not around, panic when you were not with me. I would long to be with you when we were apart. The very thought of not being with you made me feel such a sense of loss that I could not bear to imagine it.

My dearest addiction, although I have loved you I have decided to let you go. I have to ban you from my life because you are destructive to my body, mind and soul. You distract me with your sweet yet momentary sense of bliss while you destroy me from the inside out with your poisons. I don't know how to think or make decisions without consulting you. You chase good people away because they know you are destructive and only bring eventual death. My precious friend, you are slowly killing me, changing me and you will eventually destroy me, so you see there was no other choice than for us to part ways. No friend, no true companion would hurt the one they love. So you see, this love is one-sided and we are not a good match.

To live without you is to find new meaning in the things I do every day. To experience life and emotions without any substances altering my perception. The future is brighter without you, its cleaner and more beautiful. Hope is visible now that the smoke has been lifted. Letting go of you my love leaves me open for another love. A love that is real and healthy and brings with it life instead of destruction. Although you will be missed I never want to be with you again.

The End

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Christina's Top 13 Things Not To Do on a First Date

I have been told I should have a reality show of my dating experiences. I have had the unfortunate pleasantries of meeting some of the absolute weirdest men in my lifetime. I have compiled a top 13 list of things NOT to do on a first date, all taken from personal experience.

1- Don't lick your knife and then cut off a piece of your food to share with your date

2- Try to control your sweating

3- Don't try and guess the bra size of your date while at dinner

4- Don't talk about what the date is costing you, or about the money in your bank account or lack thereof, if you don't have it, charge it and shut up. No one likes a broke man

5- Keep the application of Cologne to a reasonable level, if I can smell you even before I can see you, the date is off

6- Don't talk about the state of your toenails

7- Don't wear pajamas
 
9- Don't talk about your mental disorders

10-Dont refer to your ex-wife as an effing c_ _ t who took everything you had

11- Don't show up on a date looking like you have just got done mowing the lawn

12- Don't talk about how much you LOVE drinking and getting wasted

13- Don't talk about your "size"

There, I hope I have helped someone out there who was about to make the mistake of making one of these mistakes to think twice about it. People say men are straightforward and uncomplicated when it comes to dating, I say its the same for women when you get down to it. We want a man to treat us with respect and to respect themselves as well, or maybe that's just me....  Either way, don't do the things on my top 13 things not to do on a first date list. That is all.

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Curvy Man Child

They say that the average American male is about 5'9", 175lbs (which is actually 6lbs overweight). Only roughly 13% of men are physically fit and of those that actually own fitness equipment about 45% of those men use the equipment as a place to hang their clothes. Men these days crave comfort and stability in a way that only women in the past have identified with. The romantic ideals of a man likened to the heroic and idealistic physique of Russel crow and Mel Gibson are replaced by the squishy reality that is our typical American man. Working from home, online dating and fast-food have taken the typical go-getting, self-driven man and turned him into something horrible and terrifying: the man-child.

The modern day man-child plays video games, loves the comfort of his own couch and enjoys comfortable footwear (he may or may not own a pair of white sneakers). This man isn't all that concerned with obtaining a strong, smart and attractive woman, because they are lucky if they obtain anyone at all. This is a huge problem, because the modern day woman is assertive, attractive and generally appealing. This woman isn't desperate to have children the minute she turns 18 and she isn't attracted to the sloth-like man-child that only seems to exist in middle America. The question is, how do I spot this man-child before he spots me? How do I avoid getting sucked into his crib of slothfulness?

The man-child may not show his true colors at first, he may appear stable, well mannered, cleanly and generally concerned about you, this sounds good right? WRONG! The man-child is a vicious predator that is in search of comfort, stability and is a fan of anything conventional. He wants to dominate, procreate and then he wants dinner. Run do not walk to an exit if he has an inordinate amount of free weekends available and wants your schedule to immediately mimic his. This man is first and foremost concerned about only himself and his own needs and he is only concerned about you to the extent that you can fulfill them. If you want to kiss your life goodbye ladies then just look for the slothful man with an open schedule because you probably have yourself a man-child.

The perfect man; the perfect purse

Perfection is not attainable and is in itself fallible. Perfection is also relevant, one persons perfect is another persons nightmare. I find that I am constantly on the search to find my "perfect" man just the same as I have been searching for the "perfect" purse. What is perfection exactly? To find something without flaws is not possible, therefore, perfection is the limit of imperfection that one can handle. Now that I have an understanding of what is "perfect" lets go shopping!

I have been looking everywhere for a bag that I feel is a true extension of myself; classy, hip and high quality. I found one purse that was divine, every girls dream, it was Italian lambskin, $$$$, and just gorgeous. However, this purse was too much work for me, if it was drizzling I had to cover it and I had to keep it out of the sunlight so it doesn't damage its fine leather. I couldn't overload it if I wanted it to keep its shape and had to tuck it in at night in its dust cover to preserve its fine appearance. In a nutshell, this purse was high maintenance and THAT is not how I roll.

Purse #2 seemed to be just what I was looking for, it looked good, fit me and my sense of fashion and the price was right. With this purse I had all the attention and luxury that a designer purse gets with one minor set back, it wasn't authentic, it was a knockoff and therefore an impostor. It looked great on my arm for a while, but then the threads started to come apart, and its true value became exposed. I had to keep it from getting too close to anyone or they would know it wasn't real and then they might question my credibility. Although the purse wasn't high maintenance like its more expensive counterpart, it was actually worth less then a no-name bag because it was a liar. NEXT!

I thought I gave up all hope in my seemingly endless search for this bag that I felt would complete me and be everything I had hoped for. Then one day I decided to check out a website that one of my friends told me about. I casually strolled through the online merchandise and like magic my eyes fell upon a lovely, elegant and tasteful bag. So what the heck, I ordered it, I mean I could always return it if I didn't like it. When it came to my house I discovered its soft leather, trendy appearance and fine craftsmanship. This purse was "perfect" for me!

Finding the perfect man is exactly like finding the perfect purse, you have to try on a few before you find the one that goes with you the best. Some are too extravagant, some are too cheap and some are just wrong. The one that's meant for you will feel like a true extension of yourself and you will be proud to show it off.

I found that I will never find the exact bag that will go with every outfit and last forever. However, choosing wisely will keep me from jumping from one purse to another and it will also keep me from buying "cheap" bags if I intend to commit to one for awhile.

I have decided to value quality over quantity and to look not for "perfection" but for the imperfections that I can deal with.