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Monday, January 21, 2013

Smoking: A Love Story

Dearest one,

My closest companion, my beloved, you went with me everywhere. You were always by my side, through the happy times you shared my joy and in times of sorrow you were my comfort. I could always count on you to ease my pain, relieve my stress and bring me momentary peace. I could retreat into the quiet and be with you whenever I wanted, nothing could keep us apart. Me without you was unheard of, me without you made life harder. I would search for you when you were not around, panic when you were not with me. I would long to be with you when we were apart. The very thought of not being with you made me feel such a sense of loss that I could not bear to imagine it.

My dearest addiction, although I have loved you I have decided to let you go. I have to ban you from my life because you are destructive to my body, mind and soul. You distract me with your sweet yet momentary sense of bliss while you destroy me from the inside out with your poisons. I don't know how to think or make decisions without consulting you. You chase good people away because they know you are destructive and only bring eventual death. My precious friend, you are slowly killing me, changing me and you will eventually destroy me, so you see there was no other choice than for us to part ways. No friend, no true companion would hurt the one they love. So you see, this love is one-sided and we are not a good match.

To live without you is to find new meaning in the things I do every day. To experience life and emotions without any substances altering my perception. The future is brighter without you, its cleaner and more beautiful. Hope is visible now that the smoke has been lifted. Letting go of you my love leaves me open for another love. A love that is real and healthy and brings with it life instead of destruction. Although you will be missed I never want to be with you again.

The End

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Christina's Top 13 Things Not To Do on a First Date

I have been told I should have a reality show of my dating experiences. I have had the unfortunate pleasantries of meeting some of the absolute weirdest men in my lifetime. I have compiled a top 13 list of things NOT to do on a first date, all taken from personal experience.

1- Don't lick your knife and then cut off a piece of your food to share with your date

2- Try to control your sweating

3- Don't try and guess the bra size of your date while at dinner

4- Don't talk about what the date is costing you, or about the money in your bank account or lack thereof, if you don't have it, charge it and shut up. No one likes a broke man

5- Keep the application of Cologne to a reasonable level, if I can smell you even before I can see you, the date is off

6- Don't talk about the state of your toenails

7- Don't wear pajamas
9- Don't talk about your mental disorders

10-Dont refer to your ex-wife as an effing c_ _ t who took everything you had

11- Don't show up on a date looking like you have just got done mowing the lawn

12- Don't talk about how much you LOVE drinking and getting wasted

13- Don't talk about your "size"

There, I hope I have helped someone out there who was about to make the mistake of making one of these mistakes to think twice about it. People say men are straightforward and uncomplicated when it comes to dating, I say its the same for women when you get down to it. We want a man to treat us with respect and to respect themselves as well, or maybe that's just me....  Either way, don't do the things on my top 13 things not to do on a first date list. That is all.

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Curvy Man Child

They say that the average American male is about 5'9", 175lbs (which is actually 6lbs overweight). Only roughly 13% of men are physically fit and of those that actually own fitness equipment about 45% of those men use the equipment as a place to hang their clothes. Men these days crave comfort and stability in a way that only women in the past have identified with. The romantic ideals of a man likened to the heroic and idealistic physique of Russel crow and Mel Gibson are replaced by the squishy reality that is our typical American man. Working from home, online dating and fast-food have taken the typical go-getting, self-driven man and turned him into something horrible and terrifying: the man-child.

The modern day man-child plays video games, loves the comfort of his own couch and enjoys comfortable footwear (he may or may not own a pair of white sneakers). This man isn't all that concerned with obtaining a strong, smart and attractive woman, because they are lucky if they obtain anyone at all. This is a huge problem, because the modern day woman is assertive, attractive and generally appealing. This woman isn't desperate to have children the minute she turns 18 and she isn't attracted to the sloth-like man-child that only seems to exist in middle America. The question is, how do I spot this man-child before he spots me? How do I avoid getting sucked into his crib of slothfulness?

The man-child may not show his true colors at first, he may appear stable, well mannered, cleanly and generally concerned about you, this sounds good right? WRONG! The man-child is a vicious predator that is in search of comfort, stability and is a fan of anything conventional. He wants to dominate, procreate and then he wants dinner. Run do not walk to an exit if he has an inordinate amount of free weekends available and wants your schedule to immediately mimic his. This man is first and foremost concerned about only himself and his own needs and he is only concerned about you to the extent that you can fulfill them. If you want to kiss your life goodbye ladies then just look for the slothful man with an open schedule because you probably have yourself a man-child.

The perfect man; the perfect purse

Perfection is not attainable and is in itself fallible. Perfection is also relevant, one persons perfect is another persons nightmare. I find that I am constantly on the search to find my "perfect" man just the same as I have been searching for the "perfect" purse. What is perfection exactly? To find something without flaws is not possible, therefore, perfection is the limit of imperfection that one can handle. Now that I have an understanding of what is "perfect" lets go shopping!

I have been looking everywhere for a bag that I feel is a true extension of myself; classy, hip and high quality. I found one purse that was divine, every girls dream, it was Italian lambskin, $$$$, and just gorgeous. However, this purse was too much work for me, if it was drizzling I had to cover it and I had to keep it out of the sunlight so it doesn't damage its fine leather. I couldn't overload it if I wanted it to keep its shape and had to tuck it in at night in its dust cover to preserve its fine appearance. In a nutshell, this purse was high maintenance and THAT is not how I roll.

Purse #2 seemed to be just what I was looking for, it looked good, fit me and my sense of fashion and the price was right. With this purse I had all the attention and luxury that a designer purse gets with one minor set back, it wasn't authentic, it was a knockoff and therefore an impostor. It looked great on my arm for a while, but then the threads started to come apart, and its true value became exposed. I had to keep it from getting too close to anyone or they would know it wasn't real and then they might question my credibility. Although the purse wasn't high maintenance like its more expensive counterpart, it was actually worth less then a no-name bag because it was a liar. NEXT!

I thought I gave up all hope in my seemingly endless search for this bag that I felt would complete me and be everything I had hoped for. Then one day I decided to check out a website that one of my friends told me about. I casually strolled through the online merchandise and like magic my eyes fell upon a lovely, elegant and tasteful bag. So what the heck, I ordered it, I mean I could always return it if I didn't like it. When it came to my house I discovered its soft leather, trendy appearance and fine craftsmanship. This purse was "perfect" for me!

Finding the perfect man is exactly like finding the perfect purse, you have to try on a few before you find the one that goes with you the best. Some are too extravagant, some are too cheap and some are just wrong. The one that's meant for you will feel like a true extension of yourself and you will be proud to show it off.

I found that I will never find the exact bag that will go with every outfit and last forever. However, choosing wisely will keep me from jumping from one purse to another and it will also keep me from buying "cheap" bags if I intend to commit to one for awhile.

I have decided to value quality over quantity and to look not for "perfection" but for the imperfections that I can deal with.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Know when to heed the "NO's"

I remember going to a certain Christmas party when I was 6 or 7 years old. At this party people were exchanging gifts and I remember this one man receiving a gift that everyone was crowding around to watch him open, everyone waited with anticipation as he tore the paper from his gift and when he opened it everyone cheered, laughed and clapped. I was thinking that he must have gotten the coolest gift ever because everyone was so excited about it and I wanted what he had.

When I got home I begged and begged and cried to my mother that I had to have this "thing" that this guy got at the party, I felt like I was missing out on something great. She asked if I knew what it was and I had no idea what it was or did, but I knew I had to have it. For days which felt like weeks I cried that I wanted this particular "thing" so my mother eventually decided to take me to the store. She told me to look for it and see if I could find it. I looked all over the store, I knew I would recognize it if I saw it and then finally I did! I had finally found this "thing" that had to be so cool because it made everyone laugh and cheer and now I could have it too! With the utmost of excitement I grabbed my mom and dragged her over to the aisle and pointed at what I had wanted so desperately. You could imagine my sheer disappointment when she started laughing hysterically and asked "is that what you have been crying about all this time? NO! I am not getting you that!" Oh how I CRIED I mean how could this be? How could she not want to get me the very thing that I wanted so badly. She called her friend over to see my beloved thing and said to the friend, "Chrissy wants a toilet brush." She told me to go pick out a barbie instead but I didn't want anything else. We left the store without my thing and I couldn't understand how she could be so cruel.

As an adult looking back at that story I realize that the man was receiving a gag gift and it was some kind of inside joke, but to me it appeared to be something of great value and brought great joy. I was too small to be able to comprehend the entirety of the situation and the reason behind such a gift or I would have realized that the toilet brush wasn't exactly something I needed at that point in time. The reality was I wanted what I saw without even knowing anything about it and I questioned my mother as to how she could keep me from obtaining it, but she knew best. She didn't want her daughter playing with a toilet brush, she wanted me to have something better.

I play this scenario in my head a lot whenever I feel a "no" in my way. I stop and think that it could be possible that I don't know all I should about what it is that I'm reaching for, and it may be all wrong for me in the first place. As an adult I obviously make all of my own decisions and I don't need anyone to tell me yes or no if I want something. However, there are times that I still want what I probably shouldn't have despite the "no's" that creep up and try to stop me. Maybe I should actually pay attention and realize that the "no" was put in my way for a reason, and seek to understand the situation as a whole, lest I end up with the toilet brush version of what I should actually be striving for. If you do not desire the very best, then you will never ever have it. True story.

Monday, November 21, 2011

At the heart of it all

I met my father when I was 23 years old; the day that I met him my whole life changed

The heart: the most powerful muscle in the human body, pumps roughly 2,500 gallons of blood throughout the body daily and without a pause. It is the very thing we rely on most of all to keep our bodies alive, it beats without our control and it is also without our control that it can stop at a moment's notice. The Greek word: "psuche" meaning "soul" is commonly used when the word "heart" is in reference to the soul. It is our tangible beating heart that keeps us living but it is our soul that our heart physically allows our bodies to sustain. One without the other does not exist, therefore our heart and souls are combined.

Growing up with my mother gave me an interesting perspective on life as I have had the opportunity to lead a very creative one. My somewhat unorthodox upbringing fashioned me into becoming a very independent person. This independence gave me the feeling that I had it all together, after all I did put myself through college, financed my own lifestyle and even fulfilled my desire for travel accordingly. Yet even in the midst of all my endeavors and accomplishments I knew something was gravely missing and I was determined to find out exactly what that was.

I decided after careful consideration that I needed to begin the search for my father, and at the age of 23 I finally found him. On the day that I was to meet him, I had so many things going through my head. I was worried that maybe he would reject me, or be angry with me for finding him or that maybe he wouldn't be anything at all like I imagined, but I was in for a major surprise: He welcomed me with open arms, with a smile from ear to ear and exclaimed, "Christina!" Needless to say, we got along great and carried on as if no time had passed whatsoever. He was very kind, very joyful and so grateful that we were once again together.

It wasn't long after our reconnection that my dad had to undergo open heart surgery. I was fully aware of what complications can arise from such a procedure and I was also aware that his age was a factor as he was 74 at the time. I was scared that the father that I had longed to know for so long might be taken from me after only a few short years. It was when I arrived to the hospital after his surgery that I was given the prognosis of his condition. The doctor sat with me and told me that the surgery went very well but then looked at me very sternly and said, "I had no idea what kind of condition your fathers heart was in until I opened it up, do you understand?" I became saddened as I knew exactly what he was telling me and I sorrowfully said, "yes." I knew at that moment that his days were numbered and I was determined to make the most out of the time I had left with him. I grew closer to him in a way that I cant describe, and my heart began to soften as I let the reality take hold. I had someone in my life that I needed to allow in and love and I didn't have long to do it. I made it a point to always keep in the fore-front of my mind what that doctor told me that day.

The days following the procedure were much the same as the days before, we kept in touch, celebrated holidays together and still tried very hard to maintain the precious relationship that we had begun to form only a few short years prior. I will never forget the day I graduated college, my dad was so very proud. Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to be finished with school, but you would have thought I won the Nobel Peace Prize the way he acted, he was just so proud of me. No matter what I did or accomplished in the years following, my dad remained equally as proud. He leaped at the chance to introduce me to everyone he knew. What he didn't know, and what I never told him was that I was so very proud of him as well. I was so incredibly proud that I had such a kind and loving person to call my father. I never once hesitated to introduce him to anyone I knew. He was a great joy to me.

The last time I saw my father was when we were in the car together and I was driving back from an event. He had a huge smile on his face as he took out his wallet and preceeded to show me a picture, he held up the picture and asked, "do you remember this?," I will never forget the pain in my throat and the way my tears felt running down it as I choked them back, I kept a steady demeanor as I replied to him, "yes I remember, that is the day that we met." I can't even begin to express the emotions that ran through me at that time, it was a precious moment indeed.

Who would have guessed that would have been the last time I saw my dad, I wish that I could have done so many things differently and spent so much more time with him. He taught me what it meant to love unconditionally, to live life without regret and live it fully. I remember vividly the day I was practicing my guitar and my dad walked in and said, "Christina if you are going to play, play like you mean it." That was him, and that was the way he wanted to see me live my life: like I meant it. He always told me to go after what I want, to not be afraid and that the journey can sometimes be its own reward. He wanted to see me live life with passion, with enthusiasm but most of all: with heart; and that was what I had been missing all along.

I know now that it took a lacerated heart to mend mine. The broken condition of my fathers heart made me quickly open up myself up to care in a way I had never before. The hardened heart, the passionless soul that I never even knew I had has been abolished and replaced because of it. The person I once was, is not the person that I am today. The human heart does eventually fail but the soul lives on forever. I may not have my father physically with me but he has become a part of my being. His love changed me and to be fully changed is to never be the same again. I see now that hearts can change but sometimes its painful. Yet through that pain comes beauty, and that beauty can live on forever in our minds, our hearts and in our souls.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

"Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me"

Honesty, faithfulness and trust are the things that any relationship must be built upon to stand a fighting chance. The very things that are so vital to the survival of a budding relationship are the very things that are withheld until they are "earned." My mantra has always been to be up front and honest without holding back, sometimes it works out in my favor, and sometimes it dosent... It really all depends on who your talking to, and their willingness to divulge. The problem with being honest, is that I can spot dishonesty in a nano-second, and its there my friend that we have a problem,..

Tell just one lie and it isn't long before you have discovered that you have told and entire nest of lies just to cover up your original one, and there I will be watching you squirm like a fly trapped to the web you flew into. Before you realize it, you won't even remember what your initial story was even about! Lying is all encompassing, and can take over you like a fungus. Let it get out of hand and you wont even be able to recognize yourself anymore. Once you choose to become a "liar" you choose to become a different person entirely and leave the shell of who you once were. I hate lying more than I hate cheap shoes, it repulses me, and causes me to lose respect instantly for the person. Once I realize I have been lied to, I literally cannot believe anything else that they tell me and it hurts because I know there will never be a full circle of trust between me and them.

We think just because we don't see the repercussions immediately we think we never will, right? God, karma, Allah, Tom Cruise, whatever you choose to pray to or believe in will come back to bite you in the ass eventually, and let me tell you, you will be wishing it was just your mom trying to spank you with a wooden spoon. Adult repercussions are way worse, they can destroy friendships, relationships and even marriages. Truth be told, lying isn't worth it.