She wanted to go to the beach...

My mother has dementia, she is only 63 years old. She was diagnosed with it roughly 5 years ago. I miss my mother. I miss her calling me, I miss our arguments, I miss her being so excited to go anywhere with me even if it was just to get coffee.

I was everything to her, I was her whole world and I did not even realize it.

Now she is slowly leaving me.

It felt like the reality of her disease came on all of a sudden. Out of no where and with no warning.

She wanted to go to the beach, and every year I always said "we will go this summer I promise" and every summer that went thereafter, I said those same words.

After my dad passed away, that following summer, my boyfriend and I took her to the beach. It was a difficult day.

She was afraid of the water, but not afraid of strangers. She walked up to everyone, some people were receptive and others were very bothered. It was exhausting on a hot summer day to chase around my mother who wanted to personally greet every person and she would not listen to me one little bit.

It was then my boyfriend said to me, "there is something seriously wrong with your mother."

I was so exhausted I couldn't even bear the thought of this not being just a temporary thing, like maybe belabored grief from recently losing my dad. However, that is not what it was, it was something so much worse. It was early onset of dementia.

The dementia has progressed to the point that she can't say my name anymore. I never ever thought I would miss her voice so much. It is amazing the guilt I feel for the life I could have lived with her.

A person that raised me and taught me how to take care of myself and wanted nothing more but the simple things in life is not able to enjoy any of it anymore. Not a trip to the store, not a food that she enjoys, NOTHING.

Had I known what LITTLE amount of time I had left with her I assure you things would have been VERY different. I would have done so much more to make her happy and make her feel loved. I regret that I was a selfish woman. We would have done so many fun things, and we definitely would have gone to the beach.