Move on

Forget about the past and move on they say. Well that sounds easy, I wish it were.

My past, my life, the regrets the sadness.

I was an only child, my mother was mentally ill. She did not have stable income and we had no supportive family.

Handouts from the church she begged for, money, food. I was always so embarrassed. Sometimes she would take me with her so she could be sure to play on the sympathies of the pastor.

Embarrassed, I have been embarrassed most of my life. Because of my inept mother who tried the best she could with what little we had to give me what she never had.

I was sad, so sad most of my life with no other family or anyone who cared for me other than her, and she was crazy. Always in and out of the hospital every year, I had to ask my friends parents to let me stay with them so I did not get sent back to foster care.

You see, kids without any family to care for them end up in "the system" in that system there is most always abuse.

I was abused, and I was embarrassed about it, I did not want to talk about it because nothing could be done. I was forced to eat things I did not normally eat and it made me sick. Sticking the food up my sleeves to go to the bathroom to flush it so I could get some sleep. If I did not finish it I would be woken up in the middle of the night to finish that food or my homework.

Forced to bathe in front of the husband in boiling hot water so hot my skin turned bright red. I told the social work what happened and I was punished by the fosters, they screamed at me and said if I think this was bad then I had no idea how much worse it could get.

But why did it have to be bad at all?

Why cant I move on