At the heart of it all

I met my father when I was 23 years old; the day that I met him my whole life changed

The heart: the most powerful muscle in the human body, pumps roughly 2,500 gallons of blood throughout the body daily and without a pause. It is the very thing we rely on most of all to keep our bodies alive, it beats without our control and it is also without our control that it can stop at a moment's notice. The Greek word: "psuche" meaning "soul" is commonly used when the word "heart" is in reference to the soul. It is our tangible beating heart that keeps us living but it is our soul that our heart physically allows our bodies to sustain. One without the other does not exist, therefore our heart and souls are combined.

Growing up with my mother gave me an interesting perspective on life as I have had the opportunity to lead a very creative one. My somewhat unorthodox upbringing fashioned me into becoming a very independent person. This independence gave me the feeling that I had it all together, after all I did put myself through college, financed my own lifestyle and even fulfilled my desire for travel accordingly. Yet even in the midst of all my endeavors and accomplishments I knew something was gravely missing and I was determined to find out exactly what that was.

I decided after careful consideration that I needed to begin the search for my father, and at the age of 23 I finally found him. On the day that I was to meet him, I had so many things going through my head. I was worried that maybe he would reject me, or be angry with me for finding him or that maybe he wouldn't be anything at all like I imagined, but I was in for a major surprise: He welcomed me with open arms, with a smile from ear to ear and exclaimed, "Christina!" Needless to say, we got along great and carried on as if no time had passed whatsoever. He was very kind, very joyful and so grateful that we were once again together.

It wasn't long after our reconnection that my dad had to undergo open heart surgery. I was fully aware of what complications can arise from such a procedure and I was also aware that his age was a factor as he was 74 at the time. I was scared that the father that I had longed to know for so long might be taken from me after only a few short years. It was when I arrived to the hospital after his surgery that I was given the prognosis of his condition. The doctor sat with me and told me that the surgery went very well but then looked at me very sternly and said, "I had no idea what kind of condition your fathers heart was in until I opened it up, do you understand?" I became saddened as I knew exactly what he was telling me and I sorrowfully said, "yes." I knew at that moment that his days were numbered and I was determined to make the most out of the time I had left with him. I grew closer to him in a way that I cant describe, and my heart began to soften as I let the reality take hold. I had someone in my life that I needed to allow in and love and I didn't have long to do it. I made it a point to always keep in the fore-front of my mind what that doctor told me that day.

The days following the procedure were much the same as the days before, we kept in touch, celebrated holidays together and still tried very hard to maintain the precious relationship that we had begun to form only a few short years prior. I will never forget the day I graduated college, my dad was so very proud. Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to be finished with school, but you would have thought I won the Nobel Peace Prize the way he acted, he was just so proud of me. No matter what I did or accomplished in the years following, my dad remained equally as proud. He leaped at the chance to introduce me to everyone he knew. What he didn't know, and what I never told him was that I was so very proud of him as well. I was so incredibly proud that I had such a kind and loving person to call my father. I never once hesitated to introduce him to anyone I knew. He was a great joy to me.

The last time I saw my father was when we were in the car together and I was driving back from an event. He had a huge smile on his face as he took out his wallet and preceeded to show me a picture, he held up the picture and asked, "do you remember this?," I will never forget the pain in my throat and the way my tears felt running down it as I choked them back, I kept a steady demeanor as I replied to him, "yes I remember, that is the day that we met." I can't even begin to express the emotions that ran through me at that time, it was a precious moment indeed.

Who would have guessed that would have been the last time I saw my dad, I wish that I could have done so many things differently and spent so much more time with him. He taught me what it meant to love unconditionally, to live life without regret and live it fully. I remember vividly the day I was practicing my guitar and my dad walked in and said, "Christina if you are going to play, play like you mean it." That was him, and that was the way he wanted to see me live my life: like I meant it. He always told me to go after what I want, to not be afraid and that the journey can sometimes be its own reward. He wanted to see me live life with passion, with enthusiasm but most of all: with heart; and that was what I had been missing all along.

I know now that it took a lacerated heart to mend mine. The broken condition of my fathers heart made me quickly open up myself up to care in a way I had never before. The hardened heart, the passionless soul that I never even knew I had has been abolished and replaced because of it. The person I once was, is not the person that I am today. The human heart does eventually fail but the soul lives on forever. I may not have my father physically with me but he has become a part of my being. His love changed me and to be fully changed is to never be the same again. I see now that hearts can change but sometimes its painful. Yet through that pain comes beauty, and that beauty can live on forever in our minds, our hearts and in our souls.