Know when to heed the "NO's"

I remember going to a certain Christmas party when I was 6 or 7 years old. At this party people were exchanging gifts and I remember this one man receiving a gift that everyone was crowding around to watch him open, everyone waited with anticipation as he tore the paper from his gift and when he opened it everyone cheered, laughed and clapped. I was thinking that he must have gotten the coolest gift ever because everyone was so excited about it and I wanted what he had.

When I got home I begged and begged and cried to my mother that I had to have this "thing" that this guy got at the party, I felt like I was missing out on something great. She asked if I knew what it was and I had no idea what it was or did, but I knew I had to have it. For days which felt like weeks I cried that I wanted this particular "thing" so my mother eventually decided to take me to the store. She told me to look for it and see if I could find it. I looked all over the store, I knew I would recognize it if I saw it and then finally I did! I had finally found this "thing" that had to be so cool because it made everyone laugh and cheer and now I could have it too! With the utmost of excitement I grabbed my mom and dragged her over to the aisle and pointed at what I had wanted so desperately. You could imagine my sheer disappointment when she started laughing hysterically and asked "is that what you have been crying about all this time? NO! I am not getting you that!" Oh how I CRIED I mean how could this be? How could she not want to get me the very thing that I wanted so badly. She called her friend over to see my beloved thing and said to the friend, "Chrissy wants a toilet brush." She told me to go pick out a barbie instead but I didn't want anything else. We left the store without my thing and I couldn't understand how she could be so cruel.

As an adult looking back at that story I realize that the man was receiving a gag gift and it was some kind of inside joke, but to me it appeared to be something of great value and brought great joy. I was too small to be able to comprehend the entirety of the situation and the reason behind such a gift or I would have realized that the toilet brush wasn't exactly something I needed at that point in time. The reality was I wanted what I saw without even knowing anything about it and I questioned my mother as to how she could keep me from obtaining it, but she knew best. She didn't want her daughter playing with a toilet brush, she wanted me to have something better.

I play this scenario in my head a lot whenever I feel a "no" in my way. I stop and think that it could be possible that I don't know all I should about what it is that I'm reaching for, and it may be all wrong for me in the first place. As an adult I obviously make all of my own decisions and I don't need anyone to tell me yes or no if I want something. However, there are times that I still want what I probably shouldn't have despite the "no's" that creep up and try to stop me. Maybe I should actually pay attention and realize that the "no" was put in my way for a reason, and seek to understand the situation as a whole, lest I end up with the toilet brush version of what I should actually be striving for. If you do not desire the very best, then you will never ever have it. True story.

At the heart of it all

I met my father when I was 23 years old; the day that I met him my whole life changed

The heart: the most powerful muscle in the human body, pumps roughly 2,500 gallons of blood throughout the body daily and without a pause. It is the very thing we rely on most of all to keep our bodies alive, it beats without our control and it is also without our control that it can stop at a moment's notice. The Greek word: "psuche" meaning "soul" is commonly used when the word "heart" is in reference to the soul. It is our tangible beating heart that keeps us living but it is our soul that our heart physically allows our bodies to sustain. One without the other does not exist, therefore our heart and souls are combined.

Growing up with my mother gave me an interesting perspective on life as I have had the opportunity to lead a very creative one. My somewhat unorthodox upbringing fashioned me into becoming a very independent person. This independence gave me the feeling that I had it all together, after all I did put myself through college, financed my own lifestyle and even fulfilled my desire for travel accordingly. Yet even in the midst of all my endeavors and accomplishments I knew something was gravely missing and I was determined to find out exactly what that was.

I decided after careful consideration that I needed to begin the search for my father, and at the age of 23 I finally found him. On the day that I was to meet him, I had so many things going through my head. I was worried that maybe he would reject me, or be angry with me for finding him or that maybe he wouldn't be anything at all like I imagined, but I was in for a major surprise: He welcomed me with open arms, with a smile from ear to ear and exclaimed, "Christina!" Needless to say, we got along great and carried on as if no time had passed whatsoever. He was very kind, very joyful and so grateful that we were once again together.

It wasn't long after our reconnection that my dad had to undergo open heart surgery. I was fully aware of what complications can arise from such a procedure and I was also aware that his age was a factor as he was 74 at the time. I was scared that the father that I had longed to know for so long might be taken from me after only a few short years. It was when I arrived to the hospital after his surgery that I was given the prognosis of his condition. The doctor sat with me and told me that the surgery went very well but then looked at me very sternly and said, "I had no idea what kind of condition your fathers heart was in until I opened it up, do you understand?" I became saddened as I knew exactly what he was telling me and I sorrowfully said, "yes." I knew at that moment that his days were numbered and I was determined to make the most out of the time I had left with him. I grew closer to him in a way that I cant describe, and my heart began to soften as I let the reality take hold. I had someone in my life that I needed to allow in and love and I didn't have long to do it. I made it a point to always keep in the fore-front of my mind what that doctor told me that day.

The days following the procedure were much the same as the days before, we kept in touch, celebrated holidays together and still tried very hard to maintain the precious relationship that we had begun to form only a few short years prior. I will never forget the day I graduated college, my dad was so very proud. Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to be finished with school, but you would have thought I won the Nobel Peace Prize the way he acted, he was just so proud of me. No matter what I did or accomplished in the years following, my dad remained equally as proud. He leaped at the chance to introduce me to everyone he knew. What he didn't know, and what I never told him was that I was so very proud of him as well. I was so incredibly proud that I had such a kind and loving person to call my father. I never once hesitated to introduce him to anyone I knew. He was a great joy to me.

The last time I saw my father was when we were in the car together and I was driving back from an event. He had a huge smile on his face as he took out his wallet and preceeded to show me a picture, he held up the picture and asked, "do you remember this?," I will never forget the pain in my throat and the way my tears felt running down it as I choked them back, I kept a steady demeanor as I replied to him, "yes I remember, that is the day that we met." I can't even begin to express the emotions that ran through me at that time, it was a precious moment indeed.

Who would have guessed that would have been the last time I saw my dad, I wish that I could have done so many things differently and spent so much more time with him. He taught me what it meant to love unconditionally, to live life without regret and live it fully. I remember vividly the day I was practicing my guitar and my dad walked in and said, "Christina if you are going to play, play like you mean it." That was him, and that was the way he wanted to see me live my life: like I meant it. He always told me to go after what I want, to not be afraid and that the journey can sometimes be its own reward. He wanted to see me live life with passion, with enthusiasm but most of all: with heart; and that was what I had been missing all along.

I know now that it took a lacerated heart to mend mine. The broken condition of my fathers heart made me quickly open up myself up to care in a way I had never before. The hardened heart, the passionless soul that I never even knew I had has been abolished and replaced because of it. The person I once was, is not the person that I am today. The human heart does eventually fail but the soul lives on forever. I may not have my father physically with me but he has become a part of my being. His love changed me and to be fully changed is to never be the same again. I see now that hearts can change but sometimes its painful. Yet through that pain comes beauty, and that beauty can live on forever in our minds, our hearts and in our souls.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

"Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me"

Honesty, faithfulness and trust are the things that any relationship must be built upon to stand a fighting chance. The very things that are so vital to the survival of a budding relationship are the very things that are withheld until they are "earned." My mantra has always been to be up front and honest without holding back, sometimes it works out in my favor, and sometimes it dosent... It really all depends on who your talking to, and their willingness to divulge. The problem with being honest, is that I can spot dishonesty in a nano-second, and its there my friend that we have a problem,..

Tell just one lie and it isn't long before you have discovered that you have told and entire nest of lies just to cover up your original one, and there I will be watching you squirm like a fly trapped to the web you flew into. Before you realize it, you won't even remember what your initial story was even about! Lying is all encompassing, and can take over you like a fungus. Let it get out of hand and you wont even be able to recognize yourself anymore. Once you choose to become a "liar" you choose to become a different person entirely and leave the shell of who you once were. I hate lying more than I hate cheap shoes, it repulses me, and causes me to lose respect instantly for the person. Once I realize I have been lied to, I literally cannot believe anything else that they tell me and it hurts because I know there will never be a full circle of trust between me and them.

We think just because we don't see the repercussions immediately we think we never will, right? God, karma, Allah, Tom Cruise, whatever you choose to pray to or believe in will come back to bite you in the ass eventually, and let me tell you, you will be wishing it was just your mom trying to spank you with a wooden spoon. Adult repercussions are way worse, they can destroy friendships, relationships and even marriages. Truth be told, lying isn't worth it.