Unpublished Works

I stopped to have a relationship: 

2010

I had it all open to me, I had ambition, drive and passion. When I graduated college I knew I had so many possibilities open to me that were never open before, I knew I could make things happen for myself. However, instead of taking life by the reigns and finding the opportunities that would progress me in my career endeavors, I found (…). 

 

 

From the minute I met (…)I was smitten, we were side by side as often as time and work permitted. I enjoyed him around and enjoyed our time with my friends, and for once in my life I actually wanted to be in a relationship. I thought I found the perfect guy, well, until I found out all of his secrets. (…) told me he was divorced when I met him, which was not at all true, he was "separated" which is NOT divorced. This is lie #1 and marks the beginning of the

 

When you wish upon a star: 

July 2010 

I'm 31. I have a degree, I have my own place to live, and I am completely self-sufficient (as much as one can be) yet I feel as if I have accomplished nothing.

 

The Fix Up: 

June 2011

We've all been there, you know what I am talking about, your friends boyfriends hot friend is single and she wants to fix you up with him. You both go out and she asks you everything about him, she actually seems more interested in how your date went then you do! Or maybe you have experienced this: you are a guy and your girlfriends friend is cute and single and you want to fix your buddy up with her and you want to know the details afterward (yes guys like details too) Either way the situation is flipped I have experienced "the fix up" through personal experience, through secondary experience and through third party experience and every single time it failed, I am going to explain why.

My experience has been your girlfriend knows a guy that is just perfect for you! In fact she is probably even platonic friends and in a relationship herself so you know she is not interested in him right? wrong! fixing up her best guy friend with you is just the same as dating him herself, almost! if your sleeping with him, she is sleeping with him in spirit, she gets to hear all the gossip about him, and keep him close and who knows! her friendship with him may even grow stronger and completely pass under the radar of you and her love interest as "just friends" because after all she is involved and so is he, with you! so buyer beware! you don't always know what your buying into even if you know the seller!

 

Tales of boyfriends past 

April 2011

Let's call him Harley:

"My cigarettes taste better than this chicken" Harley said to me one winter evening while sampling the meal I so thoughtfully and skillfully put together. All I could do was laugh, I might not be the best cook on the planet but I CAN cook. Most men would eat anything that their woman thought enough to put together just for them but NO not Harley. Ungrateful is too weak a word to describe the magnitude of which this man felt his own sense of entitlement.

 

The Sane and the Disturbed: 

December 2011

"It's the crazy ones that have the good pills" said Samantha Jones from the HBO series Sex and the City, and she isn't far off from the truth. A little crazy can be fun and add some spice to an otherwise bland existence but a lot of crazy is a different playing field all together. I have seen it all and have been through more. 

I do my best to offer advice and to be a good friend to everyone but the reality remains, I am a magnet for it! I know what that ringing phone means in the middle of the night and I also know how to ignore it, it isn't always my problem to fix.

It took me years to accept the fact that as long as I am alive I will attract certain people. Maybe it's because of my background with my own mother and her instability. People that have a need in themselves that they cannot possibly find a way to fulfill on their own will cling to those that they feel can. Those who are unstable do not see life the way that most stable people do. They cannot see the whole picture, they do not see their fundamental role in their own lives, and they need assistance. It is the way from where they are to where they want to go that they simply cannot find the way to.

Those who are compassionate, such as myself, can easily become drained. It is important to set boundaries for yourself and to realize that you cannot save anyone, but you can guide and help people with compassion and continue to be their friend. Know that you can learn from them and will grow from the help that you provide. Know that they are put there for your personal development as well, and shunning them, shuns yourself.

Hello! Its Been Awhile

Wow, some time has passed hasn't it? 

I will be honest, I thought I deleted this blog space long ago and as it turns out I didn't. I was so elated when I saw my posts still here. The feeling of home and a warm welcome filled me and I felt compelled to jump right back in. What has happened since I've been away? I found a great guy and got married 3 years ago, something I never thought I would do, not because I didn't want to, I just felt like I was too odd or I was just someone that was never going to find someone I can be my truest self with. So that happened, I still think its weird, I tell him its weird he's here, I never thought someone would ever just be there, but I like it. 

Also, I lost my mom last year, she passed away before her 71st birthday. She lived longer than most with dementia. I still do not know what fully happened to her or her mind. There is so much I will never know about her life maybe I am not supposed to. What I do know is I did make sure she was always cared for, that she always had a roof over head, that she was fed, she was in a care home that loved her and cared for her for 10 years, that is practically unheard of for someone to remain in someone's care for that long. I visited her as much as I could, when I say that I mean emotionally. Emotionally I was wrapped in barbed wire every visit, choking back the tears and being present despite the agony of seeing my mother unable to walk, or speak or acknowledge me. Every visit was bittersweet, I hated it but cared for her. So I did it. Until there were no more visits to be had. 

Another thing, I have found myself distancing myself from social media. I don't think we should give windows into our lives so easily nor do I want to see into peoples lives that aren't in my daily life. That's just me. People pushing agendas, flashing their possesions and those trying to sell something. I am NOT interested anymore. Find ways to stay connected that don't involve lurking on someone's page, stalking their photos, thinking you know them and whats going on. Pick up the damn phone or better yet, show up at the door! When did we stop showing up? Start showing up again; in peoples lives, in their faces, give them a hug, bring cookies, TALK, BE, HUG, CRY, LAUGH, just be. 

Good Morning Beautiful

"Good morning beautiful"

Three simple texted words that seem so pleasant but is it?

I notice men who either do not know you that well and/or those you meet online tend to do this often. When I start talking to someone online and they finally get my number I know I'm pretty much getting that good morning text the next day, almost like clockwork.

I do enjoy text for making plans, clarifying plans, something that has purpose. I used to get all butterflied-up when I got a good morning text or sent one. I would await a sweet reply to my good morning text with held breath almost. So I knew when I received one I needed to respond fairly soon or they would think I am not feeling the same way back. How exhausting right?

What I find more often than not is those that are the most lonely tend to send the good morning text. I have noticed that those that are divorced or freshly out of a relationship tend to send one. Including myself, when I felt the need for morning connection and conversation I would text the guy.

Sometimes people are just used to someone being there in the morning. So while there is nothing totally wrong with the good morning text in itself; it does however let you know what kind of person that they are. The texter, the one who is just wanting to text you good morning, is often relationship/clingy oriented. I was, they were, we are.

Textee beware.

Entitled

The thing that we love the most is ourself.

We love stories about other people and getting to know their story because either we can relate to it or it makes us feel something within ourselves. Something good, something that makes us laugh, comforted, scared, more knowledgable, entitled, depraved....

We love us very so much, we cannot see past our own hunger for ourselves sometimes or even at all.

I could not see past myself as a young adult but how could I have seen my mom? Felt her pain? I was so full of my own ego. How can I get back into the mind of my 20 something self? I want to know what was going on in my head.

I had no relationship with her. I could have, she asked me over to make cookies once, she asked me to go to the mother/daughter mothers day breakfast once. She showed up at my house and asked if we could go antiquing once. She begged me to take her and my dad to her favorite restaraunt once, she asked me to take her to the ballet once.

Not one of those things did I do, not once.

Ridded with the disease of my own selfishness 

I did not see past my own feelings and what I thought I could have, should have had in this life.

I did not see past those things to see that what I did have I didn't deserve.

We do not "deserve" anything.

Entitled, selfish children.

Come back for me

Nothing has been easy, no, no it hasn't. My father was not in the picture my whole life until I went looking for him. My mom left him when I was 6 months old and he never even tried to look for me.

When I was 23 I went looking for him and found him. We had a very good relationship until his passing 9 years after.

Over the years I have connected with family that I personally sourced and sought after. The same goes for long lost friends.

I have no issue finding people and forgiving them for whatever caused them to split. Maybe it is something I did, maybe their life got hard. I know we as humans suffer, we are good and we are bad. When that reconnection occurs, I decide if the relationship is worth pursuing based on how genuine they are about why they disappeared or avoided me. 

Pushing a relationship on someone is not my style. Forgiveness and moving forward is.

However, I also find that no one comes to me. No one comes looking for me.

Am I not a long lost treasure like I treat them to be?

I pursue and search for what was lost and have not been disappointed yet, I will not accept that stupid mantra about if it wonders away from you then let it go, it wasn't meant to be. That is crap.

That mantra kept me from my father for most of my life and from the blessing of the rest of my family I met through him.

Yes, he was wrong in not looking for me, no he probably did not deserve forgiveness. But he asked for it when I found him. The forgiveness was like a blanket and a shield and a comfort for us both.

Going back for someone does not always end up in the best possible scenario but it could.

One day, I hope to be that treasure worth being found.

May no one think that I was a window that was closed, or any of those lies.

Come back for me if I am lost. 

Move on

Forget about the past and move on they say. Well that sounds easy, I wish it were.

My past, my life, the regrets the sadness.

I was an only child, my mother was mentally ill. She did not have stable income and we had no supportive family.

Handouts from the church she begged for, money, food. I was always so embarrassed. Sometimes she would take me with her so she could be sure to play on the sympathies of the pastor.

Embarrassed, I have been embarrassed most of my life. Because of my inept mother who tried the best she could with what little we had to give me what she never had.

I was sad, so sad most of my life with no other family or anyone who cared for me other than her, and she was crazy. Always in and out of the hospital every year, I had to ask my friends parents to let me stay with them so I did not get sent back to foster care.

You see, kids without any family to care for them end up in "the system" in that system there is most always abuse.

I was abused, and I was embarrassed about it, I did not want to talk about it because nothing could be done. I was forced to eat things I did not normally eat and it made me sick. Sticking the food up my sleeves to go to the bathroom to flush it so I could get some sleep. If I did not finish it I would be woken up in the middle of the night to finish that food or my homework.

Forced to bathe in front of the husband in boiling hot water so hot my skin turned bright red. I told the social work what happened and I was punished by the fosters, they screamed at me and said if I think this was bad then I had no idea how much worse it could get.

But why did it have to be bad at all?

Why cant I move on

She wanted to go to the beach...

My mother has dementia, she is only 63 years old. She was diagnosed with it roughly 5 years ago. I miss my mother. I miss her calling me, I miss our arguments, I miss her being so excited to go anywhere with me even if it was just to get coffee.

I was everything to her, I was her whole world and I did not even realize it.

Now she is slowly leaving me.

It felt like the reality of her disease came on all of a sudden. Out of no where and with no warning.

She wanted to go to the beach, and every year I always said "we will go this summer I promise" and every summer that went thereafter, I said those same words.

After my dad passed away, that following summer, my boyfriend and I took her to the beach. It was a difficult day.

She was afraid of the water, but not afraid of strangers. She walked up to everyone, some people were receptive and others were very bothered. It was exhausting on a hot summer day to chase around my mother who wanted to personally greet every person and she would not listen to me one little bit.

It was then my boyfriend said to me, "there is something seriously wrong with your mother."

I was so exhausted I couldn't even bear the thought of this not being just a temporary thing, like maybe belabored grief from recently losing my dad. However, that is not what it was, it was something so much worse. It was early onset of dementia.

The dementia has progressed to the point that she can't say my name anymore. I never ever thought I would miss her voice so much. It is amazing the guilt I feel for the life I could have lived with her.

A person that raised me and taught me how to take care of myself and wanted nothing more but the simple things in life is not able to enjoy any of it anymore. Not a trip to the store, not a food that she enjoys, NOTHING.

Had I known what LITTLE amount of time I had left with her I assure you things would have been VERY different. I would have done so much more to make her happy and make her feel loved. I regret that I was a selfish woman. We would have done so many fun things, and we definitely would have gone to the beach.

Smoking: A Love Story

Dearest one,

My closest companion, my beloved, you went with me everywhere. You were always by my side, through the happy times you shared my joy and in times of sorrow you were my comfort. I could always count on you to ease my pain, relieve my stress and bring me momentary peace. I could retreat into the quiet and be with you whenever I wanted, nothing could keep us apart. Me without you was unheard of, me without you made life harder. I would search for you when you were not around, panic when you were not with me. I would long to be with you when we were apart. The very thought of not being with you made me feel such a sense of loss that I could not bear to imagine it.

My dearest addiction, although I have loved you I have decided to let you go. I have to ban you from my life because you are destructive to my body, mind and soul. You distract me with your sweet yet momentary sense of bliss while you destroy me from the inside out with your poisons. I don't know how to think or make decisions without consulting you. You chase good people away because they know you are destructive and only bring eventual death. My precious friend, you are slowly killing me, changing me and you will eventually destroy me, so you see there was no other choice than for us to part ways. No friend, no true companion would hurt the one they love. So you see, this love is one-sided and we are not a good match.

To live without you is to find new meaning in the things I do every day. To experience life and emotions without any substances altering my perception. The future is brighter without you, its cleaner and more beautiful. Hope is visible now that the smoke has been lifted. Letting go of you my love leaves me open for another love. A love that is real and healthy and brings with it life instead of destruction. Although you will be missed I never want to be with you again.

The End

Top 13 Things Not To Do on a First Date

I have had the unfortunate experience of meeting some of the absolute weirdest men in my lifetime. 

I have compiled a list of things NOT to do on a first date, all taken from personal experience.

1- Don't lick your knife and then cut off a piece of your food to share with your date

2- Try to control your sweating

3- Don't try and guess the bra size of your date while at dinner

4- Don't talk about what the date is costing you, or about the money in your bank account or lack thereof, if you don't have it, charge it and shut up. No one likes a broke man

5- Keep the application of Cologne to a reasonable level, if I can smell you even before I can see you, the date is off

6- Don't talk about the state of your toenails

7- Don't wear pajamas
 
9- Don't talk about your mental disorders

10-Dont refer to your ex-wife as an effing c_ _ t who took everything you had

11- Don't show up on a date looking like you have just got done mowing the lawn

12- Don't talk about how much you LOVE drinking and getting wasted

13- Don't talk about your "size"

There, I hope I have helped someone out there who was about to make the mistake of making one of these mistakes to think twice about it. People say men are straightforward and uncomplicated when it comes to dating, I say it's the same for women when you get down to it. We want a man to treat us with respect and to respect themselves as well, or maybe that's just me....  

Either way, don't do the things on my top 13 things not to do on a first date list. That is all.

The Curvy Man Child

They say that the average American male is about 5'9" and 175lbs. Only roughly 13% of men are physically fit and of those that actually own fitness equipment about 45% of those men use the equipment as a place to hang their clothes.

Men these days crave comfort and stability in a way that only women in the past have identified with. The romantic ideals of a man likened to the heroic and idealistic physique of Russel crow and Mel Gibson are replaced by the squishy reality that is our typical American man. 

Working from home, online dating and fast-food have taken the typical go-getting, self-driven man and turned him into something horrible and terrifying: the man-child.

The modern day man-child plays video games, loves the comfort of his own couch and enjoys comfortable footwear (he may or may not own a pair of white sneakers). This man isn't all that concerned with obtaining a strong, smart and attractive woman, because they are lucky if they obtain anyone at all. This is a huge problem, because the modern day woman is assertive, attractive and generally appealing. 

This woman isn't desperate to have children the minute she turns 18 and she isn't attracted to the sloth-like man-child that only seems to exist in middle America. The question is, how do I spot this man-child before he spots me? How do I avoid getting sucked into his crib of slothfulness?

The man-child may not show his true colors at first, he may appear stable, well mannered, cleanly and generally concerned about you, this sounds good right? WRONG! The man-child is a vicious predator that is in search of comfort, stability and is a fan of anything conventional. 

He wants to dominate, procreate and then he wants dinner. Run, do not walk to an exit, if he has an inordinate amount of free weekends available and wants your schedule to immediately mimic his. This man is first and foremost concerned about only himself and his own needs and he is only concerned about you to the extent that you can fulfill them. 

If you want to kiss your life goodbye ladies then just look for the slothful man with an open schedule because you probably have yourself a man-child.

The perfect man; the perfect purse

Perfection is not attainable and is in itself fallible. Perfection is also relevant, one persons perfect is another persons nightmare. I find that I am constantly on the search to find my "perfect" man just the same as I have been searching for the "perfect" purse. What is perfection exactly? To find something without flaws is not possible, therefore, perfection is the limit of imperfection that one can handle. Now that I have an understanding of what is "perfect" lets go shopping!

I have been looking everywhere for a bag that I feel is a true extension of myself; classy, hip and high quality. I found one purse that was divine, every girls dream, it was Italian lambskin, $$$$, and just gorgeous. However, this purse was too much work for me, if it was drizzling I had to cover it and I had to keep it out of the sunlight so it doesn't damage its fine leather. I couldn't overload it if I wanted it to keep its shape and had to tuck it in at night in its dust cover to preserve its fine appearance. In a nutshell, this purse was high maintenance and THAT is not how I roll.

Purse #2 seemed to be just what I was looking for, it looked good, fit me and my sense of fashion and the price was right. With this purse I had all the attention and luxury that a designer purse gets with one minor set back, it wasn't authentic, it was a knockoff and therefore an impostor. It looked great on my arm for a while, but then the threads started to come apart, and its true value became exposed. I had to keep it from getting too close to anyone or they would know it wasn't real and then they might question my credibility. Although the purse wasn't high maintenance like its more expensive counterpart, it was actually worth less then a no-name bag because it was a liar. NEXT!

I thought I gave up all hope in my seemingly endless search for this bag that I felt would complete me and be everything I had hoped for. Then one day I decided to check out a website that one of my friends told me about. I casually strolled through the online merchandise and like magic my eyes fell upon a lovely, elegant and tasteful bag. So what the heck, I ordered it, I mean I could always return it if I didn't like it. When it came to my house I discovered its soft leather, trendy appearance and fine craftsmanship. This purse was "perfect" for me!

Finding the perfect man is exactly like finding the perfect purse, you have to try on a few before you find the one that goes with you the best. Some are too extravagant, some are too cheap and some are just wrong. The one that's meant for you will feel like a true extension of yourself and you will be proud to show it off.

I found that I will never find the exact bag that will go with every outfit and last forever. However, choosing wisely will keep me from jumping from one purse to another and it will also keep me from buying "cheap" bags if I intend to commit to one for awhile.

I have decided to value quality over quantity and to look not for "perfection" but for the imperfections that I can deal with.

Know when to heed the "NO's"

I remember going to a certain Christmas party when I was 6 or 7 years old. At this party people were exchanging gifts and I remember this one man receiving a gift that everyone was crowding around to watch him open, everyone waited with anticipation as he tore the paper from his gift and when he opened it everyone cheered, laughed and clapped. I was thinking that he must have gotten the coolest gift ever because everyone was so excited about it and I wanted what he had.

When I got home I begged and begged and cried to my mother that I had to have this "thing" that this guy got at the party, I felt like I was missing out on something great. She asked if I knew what it was and I had no idea what it was or did, but I knew I had to have it. For days which felt like weeks I cried that I wanted this particular "thing" so my mother eventually decided to take me to the store. She told me to look for it and see if I could find it. I looked all over the store, I knew I would recognize it if I saw it and then finally I did! I had finally found this "thing" that had to be so cool because it made everyone laugh and cheer and now I could have it too! With the utmost of excitement I grabbed my mom and dragged her over to the aisle and pointed at what I had wanted so desperately. You could imagine my sheer disappointment when she started laughing hysterically and asked "is that what you have been crying about all this time? NO! I am not getting you that!" Oh how I CRIED I mean how could this be? How could she not want to get me the very thing that I wanted so badly. She called her friend over to see my beloved thing and said to the friend, "Chrissy wants a toilet brush." She told me to go pick out a barbie instead but I didn't want anything else. We left the store without my thing and I couldn't understand how she could be so cruel.

As an adult looking back at that story I realize that the man was receiving a gag gift and it was some kind of inside joke, but to me it appeared to be something of great value and brought great joy. I was too small to be able to comprehend the entirety of the situation and the reason behind such a gift or I would have realized that the toilet brush wasn't exactly something I needed at that point in time. The reality was I wanted what I saw without even knowing anything about it and I questioned my mother as to how she could keep me from obtaining it, but she knew best. She didn't want her daughter playing with a toilet brush, she wanted me to have something better.

I play this scenario in my head a lot whenever I feel a "no" in my way. I stop and think that it could be possible that I don't know all I should about what it is that I'm reaching for, and it may be all wrong for me in the first place. As an adult I obviously make all of my own decisions and I don't need anyone to tell me yes or no if I want something. However, there are times that I still want what I probably shouldn't have despite the "no's" that creep up and try to stop me. Maybe I should actually pay attention and realize that the "no" was put in my way for a reason, and seek to understand the situation as a whole, lest I end up with the toilet brush version of what I should actually be striving for. If you do not desire the very best, then you will never ever have it. 

True story.

At the heart of it all

I met my father when I was 23 years old; the day that I met him my whole life changed

The heart: the most powerful muscle in the human body, pumps roughly 2,500 gallons of blood throughout the body daily and without a pause. It is the very thing we rely on most of all to keep our bodies alive, it beats without our control and it is also without our control that it can stop at a moment's notice. The Greek word: "psuche" meaning "soul" is commonly used when the word "heart" is in reference to the soul. It is our tangible beating heart that keeps us living but it is our soul that our heart physically allows our bodies to sustain. One without the other does not exist, therefore our heart and souls are combined.

Growing up with my mother gave me an interesting perspective helped me to become a very independent person. This independence gave me the feeling that I had it all together, after all I did put myself through college, financed my own lifestyle and even fulfilled my desire for travel accordingly. Yet even in the midst of all my accomplishments I knew something was missing and I was determined to find out exactly what that was.

I decided that I needed to begin the search for my father, and at the age of 23 I finally found him. On the day that I was to meet him, I had so many things going through my head. I was worried that maybe he would reject me, or be angry with me for finding him or that maybe he wouldn't be anything at all like I imagined, but I was in for a major surprise: He welcomed me with open arms, with a smile from ear to ear and exclaimed, "Christina!" Needless to say, we got along great and carried on as if no time had passed whatsoever. He was very kind and so grateful that we were once again together.

It wasn't long after our reconnection that my dad had to undergo open heart surgery. I was aware of what complications can come from the procedure and I was also aware that his age was a factor as he was 74 at the time. I was scared that the father that I had longed to know for so long might be taken from me after only a few short years. It was when I arrived to the hospital after his surgery that I was given the status of his condition. The doctor sat with me and told me that the surgery went very well but then looked at me very sternly and said, "I had no idea what kind of condition your fathers heart was in until I opened it up, do you understand?" I became saddened as I knew exactly what he was telling me and I sorrowfully said, "yes." I knew at that moment that his days were numbered and I was determined to make the most out of the time I had left with him. I grew closer to him in a way that I cant describe, and my heart began to soften as I let the reality take hold. I had someone in my life that I needed to allow in and love and I didn't have long to do it. I made it a point to always keep in the fore-front of my mind what that doctor told me that day.

The days following the procedure were much the same as the days before, we kept in touch, celebrated holidays together and still tried very hard to maintain the relationship that we had begun to form only a few short years prior. I will never forget the day I graduated college, my dad was so proud you would have thought I won the Nobel Peace Prize the way he acted, he was just so proud of me. No matter what I did or accomplished in the years following, my dad remained equally as proud. He leaped at the chance to introduce me to everyone he knew. What he didn't know, and what I never told him was that I was so very proud of him as well. I was so incredibly proud that I had such a kind and loving person to call my father. I never once hesitated to introduce him to anyone I knew. He was a great joy to me.

The last time I saw my father was when we were in the car together and I was driving back from an event. He had a huge smile on his face as he took out his wallet and preceeded to show me a picture, he held up the picture and asked, "do you remember this?," I will never forget the pain in my throat and the way my tears felt running down it as I choked them back, I kept a steady demeanor as I replied to him, "yes I remember, that is the day that we met." I can't even begin to express the emotions that ran through me at that time, it was a precious moment indeed.

Who would have guessed that would have been the last time I saw my dad, I wish that I could have done so many things differently and spent so much more time with him. He taught me what it meant to love unconditionally, to live life without regret and live it fully. I remember vividly the day I was practicing my guitar and my dad walked in and said, "Christina if you are going to play, play like you mean it." That was him, and that was the way he wanted to see me live my life: like I meant it. He always told me to go after what I want, to not be afraid and that the journey can sometimes be its own reward. He wanted to see me live life with passion, with enthusiasm but most of all: with heart; and that was what I had been missing all along.

I know now that it took a lacerated heart to mend mine. The broken condition of my fathers heart made me quickly open up myself up to care in a way I had never before. The hardened heart, the passionless soul that I was became abolished and replaced because of it. The person I once was, is not the person that I am today. The human heart does eventually fail but the soul lives on forever. I may not have my father physically with me but he has become a part of my being. His love changed me and to be fully changed is to never be the same again. I see now that hearts can change but sometimes its painful. Yet through that pain comes beauty, and that beauty can live on forever in our lives but most importantly in our hearts. 

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

"Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me"

Honesty, faithfulness and trust are the things that any relationship must be built upon to stand a fighting chance. The very things that are so vital to the survival of a budding relationship are the very things that are withheld until they are "earned." My mantra has always been to be up front and honest without holding back, sometimes it works out in my favor, and sometimes it dosent... It really all depends on who your talking to, and their willingness to divulge. The problem with being honest, is that I can spot dishonesty in a nano-second, and its there my friend that we have a problem,..

Tell just one lie and it isn't long before you have discovered that you have told and entire nest of lies just to cover up your original one, and there I will be watching you squirm like a fly trapped to the web you flew into. Before you realize it, you won't even remember what your initial story was even about! Lying is all encompassing, and can take over you like a fungus. Let it get out of hand and you wont even be able to recognize yourself anymore. Once you choose to become a "liar" you choose to become a different person entirely and leave the shell of who you once were. I hate lying more than I hate cheap shoes, it repulses me, and causes me to lose respect instantly for the person. Once I realize I have been lied to, I literally cannot believe anything else that they tell me and it hurts because I know there will never be a full circle of trust between me and them.

We think just because we don't see the repercussions immediately we think we never will, right? God, karma, Allah, Tom Cruise, whatever you choose to pray to or believe in will come back to bite you in the ass eventually, and let me tell you, you will be wishing it was just your mom trying to spank you with a wooden spoon. Adult repercussions are way worse, they can destroy friendships, relationships and even marriages. Truth be told, lying isn't worth it.

Breaking up is hard *ahem* easy to do

Ah breakups, they suck. They suck really bad because it is never entirely clear whose fault it really was. Who had the malfunction that ended it? 

I have racked my brain for weeks trying to come to a conclusion as to how someone can care about you one minute and want nothing to do with you the next when you have done nothing wrong? 

After all the tears subsided and after the heartache mended I came to my conclusion: I did do something wrong.

I was settling for less than I knew I deserved and wanted. That alone is not fair to me. I was lying to myself and pretending that things did not bother me even when they did, and I was also lying to myself and pretending that things bothered me even when they didn't. 

When it ended it was painful, it hurt almost worse than anything I have ever been through, so I tried to rationalize just why it hurt so bad when I knew he was so wrong for me. I concluded that I had indeed cared for him, and I knew things would have been different had I been more honest about what I wanted from the beginning. Honesty is the rock a relationship must be built on and anything less is quicksand.

I am not always a fan of life's lessons but I suppose this situation was out there just lingering for me to grasp. I was meant to go through this so that I could fix and change the very things that always seem to bring me back to square one. 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it", thanks I did in fact learn my lesson this time, fixed the problem and do not intend on repeating. 

Sometimes it takes a bolt of lightning to shake you to your core.

Sometimes it takes a failed relationship.

Celebrating St Patricks Day the Sober Way

Searching for the most atypical way to celebrate a much celebrated drunken holiday, I chose to call my soberest friend. She was always my party girl, and someone I could always count on having the best evening of my life with, and then she quit drinking. Through her recoil from the assiduous cries of her addiction, I found myself seeing life a little differently. I found that although getting a little pickled from time to time can help one relax, it isn't inherently the main ingredient for a good time

Our sober-fest was a blast, we relaxed at my friends house while telling stories of our most non-sober of evenings, some were funny some were actually sad and scary. We were all laughing at the funny stories probably all thinking to ourselves that this is why we drank in the first place, and for the not so funny of stories, I'm sure we were all thinking that this why we are choosing NOT to be drinking at this point in time. To drink or not to drink, but can we control it if we do? Now that is the question.

I am the type of person that gets sick after just a minimal amount of alcohol. I think its safe to say most people feel sick after an evening of too much drinking, but people probably seldom feel sick after an evening of too much not drinking. Could it be that our bodies weren't necessarily designed for this kind of toxic abuse?

It felt good to refrain from the substance for the evening, and to reflect and celebrate sobriety, self-control and bodily wellness. I knew I would be waking up feeling a lot better than some who had decided to to allow the green light for drinking overrun their sober mind. I was also pleased with myself to know that I can have a great time with my friends and in general without a need to poison myself first, during or after. "Be ye sober minded," not such bad advice after all, cheers!

Food

Last night I bought goat cheese, macadamia nuts, malba toast, pepperoni, soy milk, fresh pasta and pesto sauce and the new cereal with chocolate. The cereal was horrible and had the strangest flavor, I will never purchase it again.

I am a self-proclaimed foode. I love to try different things and have very strong opinions about food. I have had the opportunity to travel and sample various cuisines and focused much of my schooling on culture and food; food as it related to a culture and vise-versa. I admire people like Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern for branching out and making the cusinely "weird" a little more un-weird to us, as we see that not everyone eats the same kinds of things. You would think that the popularization of shows such as these would open people up a little to accept the concept that there is no "normal" when it comes to food, only what we perceive as normal.

My typical trip to the grocery store seldom consists of buying food that would make a standard "American" dinner, however, I somehow get by on it just fine. I buy exactly what I like and want, and people tell me I don't eat "normal." What exactly is normal for Americans? I actually had a cashier make fun of my purchases at one time because I had a cart full of stuff, and only one package of meat. She said I didn't get anything to make a meal out of! I didn't mind her vocal participation on the summary of my purchases however, it was her view on what I bought that got me: Why are we conditioned to think that if we don't have our meals centered around meat that we aren't eating normally?

The American perception of a typical square meal perplexed me in college and it still does today. The good news is, as America is becoming more and more diverse, change is occurring, and the ideas of what is culturally normal is dissipating and blurring the lines between what we thought and what should be considered "normal."