Hello! Its Been Awhile

Wow, some time has passed hasn't it? 

I will be honest, I thought I deleted this blog space long ago and as it turns out I didn't. I was so elated when I saw my posts still here. The feeling of home and a warm welcome filled me and I felt compelled to jump right back in. What has happened since I've been away? I found a great guy and got married 3 years ago, something I never thought I would do, not because I didn't want to, I just felt like I was too odd or I was just someone that was never going to find someone I can be my truest self with. So that happened, I still think its weird, I tell him its weird he's here, I never thought someone would ever just be there, but I like it. 

Also, I lost my mom last year, she passed away before her 71st birthday. She lived longer than most with dementia. I still do not know what fully happened to her or her mind. There is so much I will never know about her life maybe I am not supposed to. What I do know is I did make sure she was always cared for, that she always had a roof over head, that she was fed, she was in a care home that loved her and cared for her for 10 years, that is practically unheard of for someone to remain in someone's care for that long. I visited her as much as I could, when I say that I mean emotionally. Emotionally I was wrapped in barbed wire every visit, choking back the tears and being present despite the agony of seeing my mother unable to walk, or speak or acknowledge me. Every visit was bittersweet, I hated it but cared for her. So I did it. Until there were no more visits to be had. 

Another thing, I have found myself distancing myself from social media. I don't think we should give windows into our lives so easily nor do I want to see into peoples lives that aren't in my daily life. That's just me. People pushing agendas, flashing their possesions and those trying to sell something. I am NOT interested anymore. Find ways to stay connected that don't involve lurking on someone's page, stalking their photos, thinking you know them and whats going on. Pick up the damn phone or better yet, show up at the door! When did we stop showing up? Start showing up again; in peoples lives, in their faces, give them a hug, bring cookies, TALK, BE, HUG, CRY, LAUGH, just be. 

Good Morning Beautiful

"Good morning beautiful"

Three simple texted words that seem so pleasant but is it?

I notice men who either do not know you that well and/or those you meet online tend to do this often. When I start talking to someone online and they finally get my number I know I'm pretty much getting that good morning text the next day, almost like clockwork.

I do enjoy text for making plans, clarifying plans, something that has purpose. I used to get all butterflied-up when I got a good morning text or sent one. I would await a sweet reply to my good morning text with held breath almost. So I knew when I received one I needed to respond fairly soon or they would think I am not feeling the same way back. How exhausting right?

What I find more often than not is those that are the most lonely tend to send the good morning text. I have noticed that those that are divorced or freshly out of a relationship tend to send one. Including myself, when I felt the need for morning connection and conversation I would text the guy.

Sometimes people are just used to someone being there in the morning. So while there is nothing totally wrong with the good morning text in itself; it does however let you know what kind of person that they are. The texter, the one who is just wanting to text you good morning, is often relationship/clingy oriented. I was, they were, we are.

Textee beware.

Entitled

The thing that we love the most is ourself.

We love stories about other people and getting to know their story because either we can relate to it or it makes us feel something within ourselves. Something good, something that makes us laugh, comforted, scared, more knowledgable, entitled, depraved....

We love us very so much, we cannot see past our own hunger for ourselves sometimes or even at all.

I could not see past myself as a young adult but how could I have seen my mom? Felt her pain? I was so full of my own ego. How can I get back into the mind of my 20 something self? I want to know what was going on in my head.

I had no relationship with her. I could have, she asked me over to make cookies once, she asked me to go to the mother/daughter mothers day breakfast once. She showed up at my house and asked if we could go antiquing once. She begged me to take her and my dad to her favorite restaraunt once, she asked me to take her to the ballet once.

Not one of those things did I do, not once.

Ridded with the disease of my own selfishness 

I did not see past my own feelings and what I thought I could have, should have had in this life.

I did not see past those things to see that what I did have I didn't deserve.

We do not "deserve" anything.

Entitled, selfish children.

Come back for me

Nothing has been easy, no, no it hasn't. My father was not in the picture my whole life until I went looking for him. My mom left him when I was 6 months old and he never even tried to look for me.

When I was 23 I went looking for him and found him. We had a very good relationship until his passing 9 years after.

Over the years I have connected with family that I personally sourced and sought after. The same goes for long lost friends.

I have no issue finding people and forgiving them for whatever caused them to split. Maybe it is something I did, maybe their life got hard. I know we as humans suffer, we are good and we are bad. When that reconnection occurs, I decide if the relationship is worth pursuing based on how genuine they are about why they disappeared or avoided me. 

Pushing a relationship on someone is not my style. Forgiveness and moving forward is.

However, I also find that no one comes to me. No one comes looking for me.

Am I not a long lost treasure like I treat them to be?

I pursue and search for what was lost and have not been disappointed yet, I will not accept that stupid mantra about if it wonders away from you then let it go, it wasn't meant to be. That is crap.

That mantra kept me from my father for most of my life and from the blessing of the rest of my family I met through him.

Yes, he was wrong in not looking for me, no he probably did not deserve forgiveness. But he asked for it when I found him. The forgiveness was like a blanket and a shield and a comfort for us both.

Going back for someone does not always end up in the best possible scenario but it could.

One day, I hope to be that treasure worth being found.

May no one think that I was a window that was closed, or any of those lies.

Come back for me if I am lost. 

Move on

Forget about the past and move on they say. Well that sounds easy, I wish it were.

My past, my life, the regrets the sadness.

I was an only child, my mother was mentally ill. She did not have stable income and we had no supportive family.

Handouts from the church she begged for, money, food. I was always so embarrassed. Sometimes she would take me with her so she could be sure to play on the sympathies of the pastor.

Embarrassed, I have been embarrassed most of my life. Because of my inept mother who tried the best she could with what little we had to give me what she never had.

I was sad, so sad most of my life with no other family or anyone who cared for me other than her, and she was crazy. Always in and out of the hospital every year, I had to ask my friends parents to let me stay with them so I did not get sent back to foster care.

You see, kids without any family to care for them end up in "the system" in that system there is most always abuse.

I was abused, and I was embarrassed about it, I did not want to talk about it because nothing could be done. I was forced to eat things I did not normally eat and it made me sick. Sticking the food up my sleeves to go to the bathroom to flush it so I could get some sleep. If I did not finish it I would be woken up in the middle of the night to finish that food or my homework.

Forced to bathe in front of the husband in boiling hot water so hot my skin turned bright red. I told the social work what happened and I was punished by the fosters, they screamed at me and said if I think this was bad then I had no idea how much worse it could get.

But why did it have to be bad at all?

Why cant I move on

She wanted to go to the beach...

My mother has dementia, she is only 63 years old. She was diagnosed with it roughly 5 years ago. I miss my mother. I miss her calling me, I miss our arguments, I miss her being so excited to go anywhere with me even if it was just to get coffee.

I was everything to her, I was her whole world and I did not even realize it.

Now she is slowly leaving me.

It felt like the reality of her disease came on all of a sudden. Out of no where and with no warning.

She wanted to go to the beach, and every year I always said "we will go this summer I promise" and every summer that went thereafter, I said those same words.

After my dad passed away, that following summer, my boyfriend and I took her to the beach. It was a difficult day.

She was afraid of the water, but not afraid of strangers. She walked up to everyone, some people were receptive and others were very bothered. It was exhausting on a hot summer day to chase around my mother who wanted to personally greet every person and she would not listen to me one little bit.

It was then my boyfriend said to me, "there is something seriously wrong with your mother."

I was so exhausted I couldn't even bear the thought of this not being just a temporary thing, like maybe belabored grief from recently losing my dad. However, that is not what it was, it was something so much worse. It was early onset of dementia.

The dementia has progressed to the point that she can't say my name anymore. I never ever thought I would miss her voice so much. It is amazing the guilt I feel for the life I could have lived with her.

A person that raised me and taught me how to take care of myself and wanted nothing more but the simple things in life is not able to enjoy any of it anymore. Not a trip to the store, not a food that she enjoys, NOTHING.

Had I known what LITTLE amount of time I had left with her I assure you things would have been VERY different. I would have done so much more to make her happy and make her feel loved. I regret that I was a selfish woman. We would have done so many fun things, and we definitely would have gone to the beach.

Smoking: A Love Story

Dearest one,

My closest companion, my beloved, you went with me everywhere. You were always by my side, through the happy times you shared my joy and in times of sorrow you were my comfort. I could always count on you to ease my pain, relieve my stress and bring me momentary peace. I could retreat into the quiet and be with you whenever I wanted, nothing could keep us apart. Me without you was unheard of, me without you made life harder. I would search for you when you were not around, panic when you were not with me. I would long to be with you when we were apart. The very thought of not being with you made me feel such a sense of loss that I could not bear to imagine it.

My dearest addiction, although I have loved you I have decided to let you go. I have to ban you from my life because you are destructive to my body, mind and soul. You distract me with your sweet yet momentary sense of bliss while you destroy me from the inside out with your poisons. I don't know how to think or make decisions without consulting you. You chase good people away because they know you are destructive and only bring eventual death. My precious friend, you are slowly killing me, changing me and you will eventually destroy me, so you see there was no other choice than for us to part ways. No friend, no true companion would hurt the one they love. So you see, this love is one-sided and we are not a good match.

To live without you is to find new meaning in the things I do every day. To experience life and emotions without any substances altering my perception. The future is brighter without you, its cleaner and more beautiful. Hope is visible now that the smoke has been lifted. Letting go of you my love leaves me open for another love. A love that is real and healthy and brings with it life instead of destruction. Although you will be missed I never want to be with you again.

The End